Motherless

My mother knew that her death would be difficult for me.
It worried her. She had no real friends but she confided her concerns with an ex-colleague of hers.
This colleague, who moved away several years ago, has been a true God send to me. She will call from time to time to check in with me. It has been a great comfort, in an otherwise bleak situation where I have, other than my doctor, know one to turn too. There are many times I wanted to call my mother and tell she needs to call her colleague and say thank you. I know she would be so grateful.

The pair had a falling out, this was due to my Mother´s increasing bitterness and aggressive behavour in the early 10´s. I didn´t realize it at the time. 
But up and around her retirement my mother was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and her life was slowly unravelling. Her personality changed. 

I have wondered if the cancer had been in her body for at least a decade before the diagnosis and her preoccupation with managing her diabetes had distracted her from the  other health issues. The diabetes had loomed large in her life, and she was never able to take care of herself.  Diabetes also put a huge strain and added an additional complexity to her cancer process. It wasn´t until she almost died in hospital during Christmas 2018 that the doctor finally persuaded to stop with the m

etmorphin and the other diabetes drugs. This was 11 months before she died and I had to wrestle with my mum on this issue after she had been discharged. In some ways diabetes must have been her way of clinging to a sense of normality, daily life that had been disrupted by constant operations that had left her immobile with two broken legs and broken shoulder which left her with the use of one arm.  

In the fall of 2018 my mother had her last meeting with her colleague will staying at the municipality nursing home. It was then she confided in her. 

Indeed, My mothers concerns were well founded. The loss of my mother has turned my life upside down and its bin in a tail spin.
When she was diagnosed with advanced cancer (a tumor in her kidney had spread to her thigh bone) I knew her remaining life with me would be short. But then I didn´t really know. 
I was too busy being in the moment, putting out fires for her and busy looking towards the challenges ahead with my life. The constant requirements that follow University life with project work, hand-in´s, exams and Thesis means I could come up for air.  There have been no vacations since all hell broke loose in May 2017. I sorely lacked time off during this period to process what I was going through and also to begin to prepare for the inevitable and begin to have those important conversations with my mum. In the end I never had them and this has compounded the grief. Some  pre-death closure would have left me with more peace. I needed to talk to her about our life, my grievances and regrets. I needed more quality and emotional moments with her. Deeper conversations rather than being an errand boy who is there to cater for her immediate needs. It´s hard. 

Before she was diagnosed I had applied and got accepted into a Master degree course at Aalborg University in Copenhagen. A week after we received the diagnosis at Hvidovre Hospital I got the bittersweet confirmation letter. 
I didn´t know whether or not I should accept the place as my life was in  complete disarray. My life was essentially put on hold until she died. It continues to be put l on hold. Five months after her death in November I am till trying to process these almost three years of madness.  When she died I felt like I woke up on an alien planet. Nothing is familiar and I am hugely anxious about everything. Anxious and angry, possibly the latter is fueling the former. It´s alright to be bitter and I am also giving my self permission to be selfish and demanding. I am one of those nice and dutiful people pleasing types that gets used and abused. Misplaced conscientiousness and naïvete is a dangerous cocktail and I am currently paying an awful price for not taking myself seriously, knowing myself fully, having a clear notion about what I want, don´t want and will and wont put up with. 

For others reading this who are in the same boat….….to survive this, you need to think selfishly. Stoicism is great but don´t  make the mistake thinking you can do this without help. You need a network, you need to plan your time, take time off and keep your eyes peeled. Because you will be taken advantage of  - either by the health care systems, family, friends and co-workers. Not everyone is sympathetic and not everyone has your interest at heart. So know your limits and say no, make excuses and forgive yourself. You cannot afford to be a people pleaser - do yourself a favour and put parameters. That they way you won´t disapoint yourself and others. 


Prepare for battle, be smart, look at life with realism and even pessimism - don´t ever delude yourself. Good guys finish last....litterally.  

I was so busy and trying to process the daily events at the hospital that I neglected myself. I wish I had kept a diary and used this blog to write everyday my experiences, what had happened, my feelings coupled with photos. It would have helped to have this ressource to go back to. It would have grounded me and helped me process everything. Sometimes I have to pinch myself….was this a dream. Therefore I want to retrace my steps and start writing about the last three years, what I should have done during the moment. 
I do not want to dwell on the past or wallow in self-pity but rather it is an effort to heal through sorting things out in my head so that I can move forward.  Start a new life with greater understanding of the past and an awareness of the future. 

Mum at Le Kaff on Øresundsvej - a year before our lives were turned upside down